2008/2009 Lessons Learned

Last year, around this time, I posted a blog on my Lessons Learned for the first-half of 2008.  As many of you expected, I never came through on finishing out this list for 2008 but I have compiled a list (starting from where I left off last July) that should bring you all up to date on many of my stupid mistakes and ah-ha moments over the last year...

• Six days is a really long time to go without washing your hair.
  
• Loving Los Angeles is entirely possible.
  
• Even after a long hiatus, I am still pretty good at school.
  
• Some people can do some pretty amazing things with Craigslist.
  
• I am really gay, or at least according to Google.
  
• My family is fun, dorky and highly inappropriate.
  
• Vomiting on Santa Monica Boulevard may be a funny story to tell but is never classy.
  
• Yes, we will.
  
• Most of the time big white vans are manned by rapists and kidnappers, but every once in a while Jesus takes the wheel.
  
• You do not really get a toaster oven.
  
• Never put your phone in your back pocket – or at least not when you are about to use the restroom.
  
• I can live on a budget, without really trying.
  
• Most everyone is at least a little socially awkward.
  
• Cookies are much better than flowers.
  
• It does not matter how much time you have, it is never enough.
  
• As long as there is morphine and a cute girl, breaking your wrist can be a highly enjoyable experience.
• Roller-skating is like riding a bike.
  
• Playing softball is not like riding a bike.
  
• When people do double and even triple takes at your driver’s license, it is time for a new one.
  
• Mixed tape creation is a fine art.
  
• I am old enough to have had a friend for almost 20 years but I AM NOT “like 30.”
  
• I am very quotable.
  
• I can run 13.1 miles, and much faster then I would have ever imagined.
  
• Virtual farming is highly entertaining.
  
• Cupcakes are as delicious at 26 as they were at 5, yogurt is even better.
  
• Some people think I am a real Bad-Ass
  
• When you realize your little sister is a grown up it makes you really sad and really happy all at once.
  
• “Tiny” and “stick figure” can be words used to describe me.
  
• I am incapable of overcoming my addiction to coffee.
  
• Wearing a dress is not as scary as I remember.
  

25 Random Things à la Facebook

I gave in to the latest Facebook craze and thought I would immortalize my '25 Random Things' here.

1. My car's name is Maizy Mazda and my computer's is Fiona Apple.

2. I am ENTJ - light on the E.

3. When I was little, my parents called me "skinny mini legs" - now they just call me Jess.

4. My maternal ancestors are English convicts that were shipped to Australia - my paternal ancestors came on the Mayflower. Yes, I do the white girl dance.

5. I fanaticize about tackling the religious zealots in Bruin Plaza often.

6. I went to business school to find myself but now I am worried that "myself" does not reside at UCLA Anderson.

7. My wrist is the first bone I have ever broken besides the countless toe casualties at the hands (or feet?) of my parents' couch.

8. I am not particularly good at sleeping, reading for leisure or anything that requires rhythm (with the exception of the Greatest Love of All).

9. My priorities have changed very little since I was 6; 20 years later playing outside is still near the top of the list.

10. I will eat (and probably like) almost anything, but the mere sight of baby corns makes me want to vomit.

11. Napping to the sound of Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals is one of my most treasured past times.

12. I have my own dictionary, some selections include:

• Moonile – Ouch
• Bugbite – Appropriate for any occasion that warrants whining
• Fro / Froto / Fruity Muffin / Muffler – Lacey
• Lorter – Mom
• Roni / Summer Soltice – Sully the dog
• Lesbian Overlord – Carrots (or maybe it was the peas?)
• Molly / Peter / Lucy – Ali
• Honkshoe – Boring
• Smelly Christmas – Gross
• Empezo! – Nothing in particular but it must be shouted 

13. I am proud of my gold star. 

14. I have never done illegal drugs but I once ate an entire box of fudgsicles in Regan's back seat and I do respond to the nickname "Puff."

15. I take song lyrics very seriously but make exceptions for the works of The Spice Girls and Britney.

16. As an 11 year old, I decided to pursue religion. I set out alone on my bike to attend my local Baptist church. After two Sundays, I decided that sleeping in was a more spiritual experience.

17. I hated LA but then I moved here.

18. I used to bribe my sister to clean my room for 25 cents. I had to save her life to make it up to her.

19. I use a Mac but feel smarter when I use Windows.

20. Consulting may be the perfect profession for me - I just wished I liked it.

21. I hate running but I hate it when I cannot run.

22. I had a lazy eye that went away at 15 but still surfaces from time to time in the form of squints and looks of confusion.

23. I quit soccer after 8th grade because I thought my teammates were bitches - I still regard this as one of my worst decisions of all time.

24. I have a very low tolerance for laziness, poor time management and smelly people.

25. This might just be my favorite time in my life. 

I will run that 8 minute mile, dammit.

This is a totally random post knowing that I have about 3 other planned posts that I have yet to write, but I am so excited that I cannot resist. Some of you are aware of a certain "8 minute mile" that has tormented me for over a decade now but for those of you that are not here is some background: 

Picture this, 15 year old Jess, a Sophomore at Sabino High School trying out for the softball team (please do not laugh at my bangs, huge glasses or excessively baggy jeans).  

I started playing softball at the very late age of 14 after giving up a lifetime of soccer (which I still regard as a ridiculous decision but that is a whole other post).  At first, I found myself a bit intimidated to be playing with people that had been playing their whole lives but as the season progressed I began to hold my own, finding my position at third base and my place on the team. 

With only one year of experience under my belt, I decided to try out for my high school team.  I knew that my chances were slim as Sabino was somewhat of a softball powerhouse but I went for it anyway.  Tryouts went surprisingly well and I was feeling pretty good at mid-week until I found out that I would need to run the mile in 8 minutes or less to make the team.  It is beyond me as to why this was necessary as I doubt I have ever run more than 100 meters at any one time while playing softball, but who was I to argue.  We had a few chances but no matter how hard I tried I could barely crack the 9-minute mark.  I didn't make the team and although I may not have made it anyway, the 8 minute mile has haunted me ever since.  Discouraged but not defeated, I kept playing softball through the rest of high school and in college as opportunities presented themselves - I got better each year but never had the courage to try out again.

A few months ago I finally was able to run the mile in 8 minutes flat.  At the time, I thought that was enough to help me get over it but it has still continued to bug me.  After tonight though, I think I may finally be able to move on with my life.   I ran the mile in 7 minutes and 13 seconds.  As I jogged home from the track I thought to myself “I will run that 8-minute mile, dammit” - now I just have to start playing softball again.  After a hiatus of five years I am somewhat frightened that all of my skills have faded but I think it is worth a shot...

The End of the Year Wrap

The small stuff:

1.  Watch TV for 3 hours or less per week - Success! - I no longer have cable so there is not even the option to waste multiple hours in front of the Food Network or any of my other choice domestic-focused brain drains.  In spite of this seemingly monumental achievement however, I have managed to find many other ways to waste my time - the lesson I have learned is that I am and probably always will be a procrastinator.   There appears to be no hope for changing this unfortunate character flaw - with TV or without.

2. Take the dog on a walk each morning - Somewhat irrelevant- With the divorce Sully moved back to Arizona with my parents in February.  Here she gets walked nearly every day and has a canine companion to call her very own.  It seems that Arizona is where she will stay.

3.  Stop drinking soda - Mostly successful - I do indulge in the occasional soda but in a way that I feel is entirely healthy.

4.  Keep a regular workout schedule - Success!  - I have become fairly obsessive about regular workouts and find some way to run or get to the gym almost every day.  In a somewhat turbulent year this has been my release.  

5. Eat healthier - Less than successful - I made it through most of the year (when I was still employed) doing fairly well with this but since becoming a student my diet has become alternating meals of peanut butter and jelly, quesadillas and bagels.  I would like to say I will try harder in the new year but I fear my attempts may be dire.  Despite a poor performance, I have more than achieved my goal of 30 pounds this year - most of the credit being due to my success in #4.  For the first time in a very long time I am a "healthy weight" or at least according to Mr. BMI.

The big stuff:

1. Start my novel - Complete failure -  This is still something that I hope to do someday but it does not seem to be achievable in the near term future.

2. Go back to school - Success!- I have made it through the first quarter of my studies at UCLA Anderson.  I am SO glad that I made the decision to take a two year "pause" in my career.  I have already done a lot of reflecting and although I am still not sure what I "want to be when I grow up" I feel like I have a much better idea of where my life is heading than I did a year ago.

3. Make 2008 about me - Success! - I have been one selfish SOB this year and I am rather proud of it.

Clearly ready for Change, Kind of

The last 24 hours have contained moments of both unspeakable excitement and incredible disappointment. I thought I might say a few words about both…

First, the good news is that we will have a new president in White House in January, and even more exciting, a president that people actually like. Domestically, Obama was elected by a margin greater than any other democratic president since Johnson. Internationally, the Los Angeles Times reported that if it were a global election Barack Obama would have won, “not by a landslide, but an avalanche.” I had tears in my eyes as I listened to Obama speak last night. I felt energy that I have difficulty explaining. Luckily, my little sister sent me a text message this afternoon that said “Your hero won the election. How do you feel? Was it orgasmic?” Although I have never claimed that Mr. Obama is my hero, I do have to say that his election was teetering on orgasmic (thanks Lacey).

Despite overflowing enthusiasm for the change on the horizon in America, I am filled with disappointment in my home state. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst, but today I still find myself shocked and angry at the voters for passing a proposition that will inject discrimination into our state constitution. I am troubled that people continue to use “God” as a means of rationalizing their fear and hatred despite the fact that our country was founded on the basis of separation of church and state, not to mention universal freedom. The stripping of my rights to marry has been both degrading and humiliating and I am awestruck that “separate but equal” style prejudice has made its way into what I once regarded as the most liberal and progressive state in the nation.

In the aftermath of the election (and my first set of business school mid-terms) I am both emotionally and physically exhausted and have begun a struggle to decide if the glass is half-empty or half-full. For now I am optimistic. Obama’s election and the expansion of the Democratic majority in Congress indicate that change is coming, it may take time but eventually we will get there. Seeing the incredible support for the “No on 8” campaign from young people on the UCLA campus, gay and straight alike, has made me hopeful that change is inevitable as the American youth comes of age.

As you might imagine, the fight for gay marriage has only just begun. First there are close to 2 million ballots that have still not been counted that could change the results. I am fully aware that this prospect is improbable but I feel strongly that every vote should be counted. In addition, there have been several lawsuits filed challenging proposition 8 results by the ACLU, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, Lambda Legal, Santa Clara County and the cities of San Francisco and Los Angeles. The argument is that proposition 8 results will not just amend the constitution but revise it which means it must receive approval from the state legislature. The merit of these lawsuits is unclear at this point and I have read both positive/negative commentaries on the probability of them making a difference. So do stay tuned, I know I will.

Coming out on Prop 8

I have been "out" to most for nearly a decade, but as I find myself in a new city surrounded by people who don't know my story I find myself retracting back "in". Being single makes it really easy to avoid divulging my sexuality and I have never really been one to introduce myself as "Hi, I am Jessica and I am a lesbian." For a number of reasons, I have done an altogether terrible job of being "out" in my new circles. Up until now I haven't really thought much about it because I have always wanted people to know me as a person, not just "the lesbian," but with Proposition 8 on the ballot in less than a month, I have done some careful reflection over the last couple days and have realized the importance of being out in order to communicate the message of "No on 8" in a meaningful way. I have decided that National Coming Out Day is an appropriate day to share the following post.

I have been posting "No on 8" on my status on gchat, myspace and facebook for the last several weks and yesterday I got a note from an old friend reporting "I now know what 8 is and I will be voting no." At first I was happy to hear the news but then I thought to myself that it was scary that this friend didn't know what Proposition 8 was until yesterday whereas I have been thinking about it for the last several months. I realized that what may be most critically important at this stage is to communicate the message of what Proposition 8 actually is:

So what is it? It is quite simple actually, Proposition 8 Eliminates the right of same-sex couples to marry. In May of this year the California Supreme court ruled that the statutes that limit marriage to a relationship between a man and a women violated the equal protection clause in the California Constitution and same-sex couples have been able to marry in California since June 17th.

Also of importance, is what Proposition 8 is not. Proponents of Proposition 8 have come up with some interesting things that they think gay marriage rights will do to other institutions in California. The reality however is that allowing your gay friends, neighbors and co-workers to marry will have little impact on anyone other than gay people, their friends and family. The one exception may be that gay marriage will actually inject much needed financial capital into the struggling California economy (there have already been over 11,000 marriages since the Supreme Court ruling legalized marriage on June 17th of this year). Seriously though, despite what you may hear, gay marriage will not:

- Provide a slippery slope to the legality of polygamist marriages or marriages between you and your favorite goat
- Make a provision that the California education system will have to teach students about same-sex marriages
- Eliminate the "tax exempt" status from churches who refuse to marry same-sex couples

Now that that is cleared up, the next most important thing is to communicate why it is important to vote no on 8. Proposition 8 is a human rights issue, plain and simple, and I think the best way to demonstrate the importance of a "no" vote is to humanize the issue and how it will effect me. This proposition is an attack on my rights as a citizen of the State of California. It will actually take away my right to marry - this is an important distinction to Proposition 22 which passed in the year 2000. Although I am single and have no intention of getting married in the near future this issue is important to me as it seeks to place my past and future relationships in a category which makes them less important and meaningful than a straight relationship. The seven year relationship I shared with my ex Ali was every bit as meaningful as a seven year relationship between a man and a woman and deserved equal treatment, dignity and respect under the law. I trust that my friends, family and other people that might stumble on this post will realize the importance of their "No" vote on this proposition and what it means to me personally. In closing, I have three simple requests:

Please register to vote if you have not already
Please vote, and
Please vote "No" on Proposition 8

25 in a Lifetime

While unpacking a few weeks ago I found an assignment that I completed in seventh grade called “Twenty Five in a Lifetime.” I found it enlightening and entertaining to read what my 12 year old self wanted to do with my life. I have done many of the things on the list already, others still remain for my future and many are just plain hilarious, enjoy…

1. Get a master’s degrees (and maybe a PHD) – quite fitting that this is #1 on the list
2. Making it to a college that I want to go to (Stanford) – I didn’t go to Stanford (in fact I didn’t even apply) but I loved my time at the University of Arizona
3. Get married - check
4. Get into the I school I would like to go to in Tucson, AZ (University High) – again, didn’t even apply but I wouldn’t change a thing
5. Have a job as a lawyer – no longer on the agenda, I have chosen an alternate money hungry career path
6. Get a job doing something before age 15 – I must have been crazy and apparently I hadn’t heard of child labor laws
7. Buy my own car by age 17 – Daddy bought it
8. Live in a mansion on beach in Australia – Ambitious but I guess it could still happen.
9. Get a driver’s license - check
10. Go scuba diving – still on the list
11. Have a swimming pool in the shape of a rock guitar –I must have been watching MTV cribs a little too much
12. Stop pollution – a little ambitious for me at this point although I am still committed to doing my part
13. Help establish world peace – still on the list
14. Live on Mars – I think I prefer the mansion in Australia
15. Marry a rich man – My agenda has changed
16. Stop gang violence – Can you tell I was a child growing up in Southern, CA? No longer on the top of my to do’s.
17. Go parasailing - Possible
18. Fly in an air balloon – Apparently I hadn’t yet realized my fear of heights.
19. Go hand gliding – No thank you – again with the heights.
20. Travel around the world – Still on the list!
21. Fly a plane – I will leave this to the experts.
22. Go snow and water skiing – Still on the list
23. Invent a homework machine – I was a little comedian
24. Meet JTT – I never did meet Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and am now totally okay with that!
25. Never get in trouble with the law – So far so good

I have decided to author a new Twenty-Five in a lifetime that I can go back and look at 15 years from now to see how I have evolved. I will post the new list once it is complete but as a sneak preview I can promise there won’t see any items related to Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Mars or rock guitars.

2008 Lessons Learned

In consulting you always track "lessons learned" during each project in order to note all of the stupid mistakes you have made, the good things you have done and just plain "ah-has." Bored during my six hour flight last night, I decided I should do the same for my life. Here are my lessons learned for the first half of 2008 -

• Figuring out who you are and what you want might cost you everything but is priceless.
• The place where you got married will always make you emotional – especially when you are divorced.
• Public transportation can get you pretty much anywhere – your feet can get you the rest of the way.
• Your hair falls out and turns grey at 25 when you work in consulting.
• Never assume significant events in your life are significant to others – you might just be a name on the list.
• It is really embarrassing to gain weight during a weight loss challenge.
• When you are not sure what is wrong with you – cry.
• Pennsylvania is one my least favorite places on earth.
• I do not want to live in a Wilshire high rise, even if I could afford it.
• I cannot drink like I used to.
• Running is the most boring activity I have ever been addicted to.
• My wife may be my ex but she is still my best friend.
• New York is a great place to visit but I will never live there.
• After a while being tired feels normal.
• Clearly I am not cut out for Botox.
• Allowing a bartender to serve you free drinks all night is probably never a good idea.
• Our Country is not ready for a woman president but may be ready for a black man.
• Orange County is where all the republicans hang out in California.
• Sacramento is like paradise when you are arriving from Harrisburg.
• I accomplish less when I am bored than any other time of my life.
• My dog is happier with my parents but cannot run more than 19 minutes.
• I am really bad at steering canoes.
• When you are a Bonham it is socially acceptable to tackle your daughter or niece when playing ultimate Frisbee (even if you are on the same team).
• I can and will be delayed any time I fly.
• My job gives me a lot of exciting opportunities but makes me miss out on my life.
• Sutter Health is a disaster of a company and I do not feel guilty about the Blackberry.
• Being drunk at 9am is okay when you are dressed as Tweedle “Double” Dee and walking the streets of San Francisco.
• When you lose your friend in the train station just get on the next train.
• I might like latinas but I do not like Latina Night at the Biz.
• Drinking beer on the river may be one of the most enjoyable activities ever.
• I miss Tucson.
• I will not get into whatever business school I want but I will get over it.
• “I don’t eat mammals” sounds funny to some people.
• I am fascinated by my family and its history.
• Being “divorced” by your cousin seems like a joke at first but it makes you really angry after a while.
• They pour out the 4th espresso shot when you order a grande americano but sometimes they give it to you for free (and contrary to popular belief you do not have to sleep with the Barista).
• Lesbians intimidate me.
• I really can eat ice cream until the cows come home.
• Family reunions are best when they are high on the cheese factor.
• Despite my best efforts, I will live in Los Angeles.
• You hate your job a lot when you are only a few weeks away from quitting.
• I will not get last place in a 5K.
• Going to a Broadway show by yourself is better because nobody makes fun of you when you cry.
• Some people never change – some people will never be the same.
• Live music makes you wish you were in love.
• You should listen when a good friend tells you to get over it.
• There is scandal lurking around every corner.

Decision 2008

Besides voting for president, there is one other important decision to update you on this year:

The results are in (they have actually been in for a couple of weeks now – sorry for the delay) and I am off to UCLA this fall. Berkley decided that there are better candidates to take their available slots this year and FINALLY gave me my denial letter. Although I was disappointed by the results (and the four months of waiting) I am more than excited to be heading off to Los Angeles in August. A part of me feels that I will end up in the Bay area eventually but I guess now is simply not my time – as long as global warming does not progress too rapidly, San Francisco should be there when the time is right.

I will be quitting work in 59 days (to be exact) and can barely stand the two month wait. If you recall “senioritis” from your senior year of high school you may understand how I feel right now. I have almost zero motivation at work each day – I have become a first class slacker. Traveling to Pennsylvania every week (and Harrisburg, PA to boot) does not really help my situation. I am so tired of dreary Harrisburg, airplanes and the Chicago O’hare airport that I could scream. The meal allowances, hotel and airline miles are nice but I am not really sure it is all really worth the toll that is taking on my body (or social life). I cannot wait for it to be over -school starts in mid-September so I will have about 6 weeks to pack, move my crap, get settled and relax a little. I just registered for a trip to canoe the Colorado in Black Canyon, AZ with a group of my new classmates in late August – I am super excited!

I am in the roommate search process right now and all of that is going surprisingly well – I am talking with two girls who are also new UCLA admits and we all seem like we will get along just fine. I am not sure exactly when I will move yet but I have narrowed it down to sometime in the first three weeks of August. “Coming out” to potential roommates has been an interesting experience but I have gotten nothing but positive reactions thus far – what a relief. I have not had to come out to roommates since I was 18 years old and although I have been fairly fortunate with the reactions thus far, I hope that I don’t have to do it too many more times in my lifetime.

More will come on the move, school and my canoe trip soon…

Lyrics (apparently bi-monthly now) - Table for One - Passenger

I'm back... be on the look out (Lacey) for a post in the very near future that is not just lyrics. Traveling to Pennsylvania every week has burdened me with a type of fatigue that my body has never known, making me less than eager to write, but at the same time has left me with a lot to say. More to come soon, I promise.

Table for One - Passenger
So I sit on this table for one
And pour me a drink that'll last
I'm not drunk I just miss being young
And I grew old too fast

My wife she breaks and she bends
My children they don't understand
I came here tonight in search of a friend
But I'm the invisible man

'cause I've swallowed my tongue
and I've polished my gun
and I've sat on my secrets for years
with my stiff upper lip
my composure won't slip
and I've hidden each silent salty tear

I sit on this table for one
And I have been here before
It's a little less than I'd had in mind
But I wouldn't ask for more

And my mother she taught me to write
And my father he taught me his trade
And I wish that they could both be here tonight
To see what a mess I've made

'cause I've swallowed my tongue
and I've polished my gun
and I've sat on my secrets for years
with my stiff upper lip
my composure won't slip
and I've hidden each silent salty tear

my sons and my daughters don't know me at all
I've dug in trenches and put up walls
I whisper I love you each night as they sleep
But no one hears me when I speak
On this table for one

So I sit on this table for one
I won't go till they tell me to leave
Why'd they teach me to follow my dreams
When dreams are all they can be?

Darlin' Do Not Fear - Brett Dennen

I kind of just want someone to sing this song to me right now...

Darlin' Do Not Fear - Brett Dennen
When I arrived in my old set of clothes
I was half a world away from my home
and I was hunted by the wolves
and I was heckled by the crows
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Alongside my innocence I laid in bed awake
conflicted and in chains with the impetus of age
but like a phantom she crept across the floor and out the window
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

From its place on the mantel my heart was taken down
scattered in a thousand little pieces on the ground
and I below the streetlamp like an orphan with a halo
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

cuz it won’t last
worries’ll pass
all your troubles they don’t stand a chance
and sometimes it takes more than a lifetime to know
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Your confidences fall as your faith etched in stone
neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
so bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
find something to hold onto until they go
to help you through the hard nights
like a flask filled with hope
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

cuz it won’t last
your worries’ll pass
all your troubles they don’t stand a chance
and it always hurts the worst when it’s the ones we love the most
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

sometimes your path is marked in the sky
sometimes it falls too thin in between the lines
sometimes all you can do is say no
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

I said when I arrived in my old set of clothes
I was half a world away from my home
and I was hunted by the wolves
and I was heckled by the crows
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know
I said Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

We said Darlin’ do not fear…

Little White Lies

Since it has been over two months since my last resolution update I decided it was time. I have been putting this off because I wanted to have some type of major accomplishment to report. My accomplishment you ask? For the first time ever, I can honestly say that my driver’s license accurately reflects my weight. I know some of you are laughing right now (I probably would to) but after lying for almost a decade now (sometimes with MUCH bigger lies than others), it feels good to have rid my conscience of at least one little white lie. Unfortunately this accomplishment may be short lived as my license is up for renewal in September. It will be interesting to see if I am again compelled to reduce my actual weight by 10 pounds or so… I know, I am crazy, but ask most any other women and you will find that we are all crazy (but you knew that already, right?).

Needless to say, the healthy eating and exercise regimens have been paying off; not as quickly as I might have hoped but with frequent lapses in judgment and a seemingly unbreakable habit of drinking my weight in beer… I really have no grounds to complain. I am about 40% complete with my 30 pound resolution (that’s 12 pounds for those of you that are a little slow with the math). It may seem like I am ahead just by looking at the numbers but I know that it will get harder and harder as the year goes on. This in mind, I have been trying something new the last couple days that might help to speed things up… actually tasting my food. As much as I love food, it may be surprising that I typically inhale my meals, not really tasting much of anything. I have slowed it down and I can already tell that it will help me to eat less. More on this effort soon…

An update on the other resolutions:

Limit Television – I have been horrible with this one over the last several weeks. Although I am not nearly as bad as I was pre-resolution I admit I have been spending many an hour on my couch lately. I am hoping that this post will give me some renewed willpower and help me to say no to the seductive powers of the Food Network, Bravo, TLC and CNN.

Walk the Dog – I never really got this one going and now that the dog has moved back to Arizona I am taking it off the list. I thought about trying to get up and take walks by myself but I am simply not a morning person and it seems that I may be incapable of overcoming this fact, at least not this year. Right now it is an accomplishment if I can get to work by 9am so doing anything additional in the morning seems like a bad idea if I want to keep my job.

No Soda – I have been perfect on this resolution! No cheating… damn I am good. I have substituted soda with water mostly but lately I have been branching out and trying other drinks although somewhat unsuccessfully. There is a lot of nasty beverages out there… do not try Hansen’s Sugar Free Sparkling Sheek; it is quite possibly the most repulsive liquid I have ever put in my mouth.

Start my Novel – Still not started and I am still reading my first “research” book… I still have 9 months left though – the resolution was start the novel, not finish itJ

Go Back to School – Not a whole lot of new news to report on this one. Still on the damn waitlist at Haas but should hear something new by the end of the month. I have decided that if the answer is either “no” or “you’re still on the waitlist” I will move forward with putting the deposit down at Anderson. Anderson may not be my first choice but it is a damn good choice! After visiting the school a couple of weeks ago I am excited about the program, the people and even a little bit about LA (or at least about the beach)!

Make 2008 about Me – Well it hasn’t been about anyone else yet so I guess I am doing okay with this one.

Paper Aeroplane - Angus and Julia Stone

Paper Aeroplane - Angus and Julia Stone

I spilled the ink across the page trying to spell your name
So I fold it up and i flick it out
Paper Aeroplane
It wont fly the seven seas to you
Cause It didnt leave my room
But it awaits the hands of someone else
The garbage man

Got to say mmm mmm mmm X2

So he opens it up and reads it out to all his friends
Amongst the crowd a heart will break and a heart will mend
He walks on home tired from work
The letter falls from his hand
He reaches out only to catch the sky
Its gone with the wind

Got to say mmm mmm mmm X2

I spilled the ink across the land
Trying to spell your name
UP and down there it goes
Paper Aeroplane
It hasnt flown the seven seas to you
But its on its way
It goes through the hands
Then to someone else
To find you girl

Got to say mmm

A Message of Hope

Despite being largely on the fence earlier this year, I voted for Hillary in the Super Tuesday primary. My decision was grounded in two main areas:

First, as you might imagine I find Hillary’s focus on fixing the healthcare system as particularly attractive - I don’t think she has the solution, but I do think that her passion will help her and others to develop the right solution once she is in office. I have not seen this same passion on the issue of healthcare from any other candidate.

Second, Hillary’s dedication to feminist ideals throughout her career is deeply important to me as a woman. Her first-hand understanding of the challenges that stand in the way of women in America, paired with over 30 years of activism, gives me hope that she will continue move feminism forward.

Over the last two months I have watched as Hillary has gained and lost a lead in the delegate race. Although the battle is getting tough, she still has my full support and I am hopeful that she might pull out the nomination.

With that said, today, for the first time (ever) I was deeply moved by a politician. This morning Barack Obama delivered the most meaningful political speech of my lifetime. Although the speech came in response to media frenzy over what another man had said, the message he gave was not just a response but an inspiration.

His heartfelt words told the story of our nation’s troubled past and how it has shaped our troubled present. He called attention to the deep seated racism that most are afraid to mention, the racism that has been ingrained in white, black, Latino, Asian and Native American people for centuries now. He was not afraid to say that racism always was and still is a part of who we are. Although we have tried to hide and ignore this problem for as long we have realized it is a problem, it remains.

Despite calling attention to America’s dirty laundry, he left me hopeful. He made me feel proud to be an American; something that I have not been able to say for a very long time. He made me remember that America is full of good people, with good hearts and good intentions. The hatred that sometimes surfaces in our day to day lives comes from a long history of discrimination that has been entrenched in our culture and has been proliferated by bad policy decisions and an irresponsible media. The wounds of the past are deep, but we are capable of healing with the right vision and the right leader.

Although I wholeheartedly support Hillary, I have no doubt that Obama will serve our nation well as president. If he ultimately wins the nomination at the convention this summer I will proudly cast my vote for him in November and look to him to lead us out of our past and into a brighter future.

If you have not heard or read Obama’s speech I strongly encourage you to do so and share it with anyone and everyone that is willing to listen. The message he delivers is not meant for the ears of white people or black people, it is meant for the ears of the American people and each and every one of us can find meaning and hope in his words.

The Transcript - http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/03/18/politics/main3947908.shtml
The Video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU

**Help Jess win a $1,000 Scholarship - Please comment on this post at http://www.progressiveu.org/030438-message-hope**

Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson

After seeing Ingrid on the Hotel California Tour Saturday night in Anaheim I have come to realize that I am falling in love with her. In person, she is (if possible) even more charming and witty than the songs she sings. This is the song she opened with, is one my favorites and is somewhat meaningful to me at the moment...


Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and some other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Mo' Money Mo' Problems

I recently stumbled onto e-utopia for fellow nerds seeking thought provoking tidbits on healthcare policy, the health insurance market and economics. The Healthcare Economist http://healthcare-economist.com/ has the tag line “An unbiased look at today's health care issues” but I prefer “The make Jessica think without overwhelming her blog” – one cannot find enough such places in life.

This evening I came across the post Lenin as the first development economist. As you might imagine a title like this caught my eye fairly quickly. The posting summarized some of the main ideas of a paper by a NYU development economist, William Easterly, which recently appeared in the American Economic Review. As I read the post and ultimately Easterly’s paper, I realized that the ideas really had very little to do with Lenin (which is what initially pulled me in) but nonetheless provided me with one of the thought provoking hours I have spent in a while. The questions below represent my thought process as I progressed through the paper.

My First Question: Does Foreign Aid = Foreign Development
The Summarized Answer: No - The countries that receive the most aid (mostly in Africa and Latin America) show little or no economic growth each year while other Countries that have received virtually no aid (China, India, Vietnam) are making great progress. The success or failure of different aid programs and initiatives shows no consistency – there is no one size fits all solutions for inspiring economic growth.

My Next Question: So if foreign aid isn’t helping, is it hurting?
The Summarized Answer: Maybe – Although there is no way to prove it, it seems logical based upon the facts presented in Easterly’s essay that foreign aid may actually undermine policy reform, reduce local government accountability, intensify corruption and stand in the way of normal economic development.

Before everyone freaks out thinking that Easterly or myself are suggesting that anyone stop foreign aid programs, the essay does indicate that some foreign aid is necessary in overcoming barriers that stand in the way of normal development – providing clean water, health care, infrastructure development – projects focused on creating opportunities, not complete transformation.

The Big Question: What does this mean to me?
My Answer: In general I agree with everything that Easterly says in his paper (kind of hard to disagree with an expert) but the whole time I was reading I was thinking about how all of this extended outside the concept of foreign aid programs. I have always been (and probably always will be) very inwardly focused on poverty within the United States. Throughout my reading, I focused on the similarities in the way development economists arrive at and implement foreign development initiatives and the way policy makers develop and implement welfare programs.

A series of complex thoughts and ideas from people that are what I call “crazy smart” go into each and every welfare regulation in this country and I have the utmost confidence that policy makers generally have the best of intentions (just like development economists) but that their “crazy smartness” may be clouding their view of the problem in its simplest state. Simply, there are people that are poor and need help to survive. They aren’t looking to be rich and probably never will be. We need to provide them with basic tools to survive and support them as they develop.

Our current system of support is providing needy families (and very, very few individuals) with a monthly cash payment that would never in a million years be enough to fully support anyone, food stamps to buy enough food to survive for the month – albeit on top ramen, and a Medicaid benefit card (which is by far the best thing we are doing for the poor right now). This system is a band-aid that is very poorly controlling the hemorrhaging of poverty and homelessness in this country. Ironically, although the rules and regulations that govern our welfare system are overly confusing and complicated, the way our system defines being poor is excessively simplistic. Largely, we define being poor as having no money but the reality is that being poor is typically just a symptom of any number of mental, physical or emotional problems. By throwing money at the problem we are simply treating the symptom, not the disease.

As is the case with lump-sum foreign aid, continuously putting money into the pockets of the needy is not the answer – forms of non-fiscal support are more powerful than small sums of money handed out each month can ever be. I am not suggesting that non-fiscal support is not expensive (in fact it is probably more expensive) but the benefits achieved by supporting individuals to be the very best they can be are immeasurable. Instead of expending billions of dollars each year on providing direct cash benefits to the needy (and all the overhead costs associated with determining their initial and ongoing eligibility) we should divert our focus to providing them with what they need to survive (food, shelter and healthcare) and treating the mental, physical or emotional ailment that led them down the path to poverty. Treating these ailments through targeted, personalized support will provide every individual with the power to develop normally in their lives– they will not be rich (and in fact some may still be poor) but they will have the sense of empowerment and dignity that every human deserves.

**Help Jess win a $1,000 Scholarship - Please comment on this post at http://www.progressiveu.org/040146-mo-money-mo-problems**

Be Here Now - Ray Lamontagne

Finding strength to enjoy today while I feel like all I am doing is waiting for tomorrow...

Be Here Now - Ray Lamontagne
Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you D
on't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Remember When - Tim Myers and Schuyler Fisk

Because I <3 California...

Remember When - Tim Myers, featuring Schuyler Fisk
Remember when we used to laugh where the summer grass would grow
Racing through the orange grooves, the ocean light reflecting in your eyes
But now you're so far from here, I hope this letter brings you near.
What we had in our California
I'm still here and I'm waiting for you, California
I remember starlight skies, where the palm trees tower high
Lay our backs down on the sand, watch the golden moonbeams orbit round
But we were so much younger then and I have weathered different seasons.
If I get back to California,
Until then I’ll be thinking of you,
What we had in our California, California
I wish I would have known, that you’re not coming back
But it's not that simple because I didn't want to hurt you
But you just left me in the cold without any warning
Well I'm a wife and mother now, that’s the life that I am living.
And I can't go back to California
You say it's too late but I still adore you
No we can't go back but I’m thinking of you
But I can't let go of our California, California, California

I <3 California

I recently received a lovely notice of my rejection from Northwestern. Although upset that the Kellogg admissions committee did not see the same value in my candidacy that I did, I am somewhat (okay, very) relieved. My body ached every time I thought about living in Chicago for two consecutive winters and I am quite pleased that I will not be burdened with the decision of turning down an amazing school because I am scared to death of freezing my ass off.

With this decision in (and much earlier than expected) I am now happy to announce that I am 95% sure that I will be staying in the great State of California for school. Yes, there is still a chance that I will get into Yale but I feel fairly confident that I will turn down their offer because my heart is just not in it. I am thrilled that I will be staying in my birth state for at least the next two years because I truly do feel at home here and am constantly re-energized by all it has to offer.

The Top Eleven Reasons I Love California (I couldn’t narrow it down to ten) - in no particular order

1. Seventh Grade - I lived in San Bernardino from 3rd - 7th grade but I remember the last year as the most memorable. It was the year I started to feel like a grown up, going to the movies and the mall without parents, making some lifelong friends and chasing boys (although not for very long).

2. San Francisco – This place makes me feel alive and a part of something; I get butterflies in my stomach every time I drive over the Bay Bridge and I notice a little bounce in my step while strolling down the San Francisco streets.

3. Highway 1 - Spend a day driving south on Highway 1 from Monterey to San Luis Obispo, it will change your life.

4. San Luis Obispo - My favorite place to waste the day or night without really feeling like you are wasting it.

5. Santa Barbara - I will live here someday; I may be retired and close to death but I promise I will make it.

6. San Diego - The city of beaches, best friends and fond memories of a high school graduation trip that has made me forever adverse to Sauza tequila.

7. Lake Tahoe - Although I pretty much failed as a snow bunny I think Tahoe still has a lot to offer me; playtime on the lake in the summer, hiking in the spring, summer and fall and I am pretty sure they serve cold beer all year long!

8. Wine - I enjoy every last sip from the Napa Valley to the Central Coast.

9. Sacramento - The city of my birth and the place where I currently make my home. Despite our love-hate relationship, Sacramento will always have a special place in my heart. I have met some friendly faces here that I hope will be a part of my life forever.

10. Disneyland and Magic Mountain - Family vacations, class trips to Disneyland without permission, visiting old friends, kissing in the women's bathroom, nearly dying of heat stroke in the Arizona desert en route to Disneyland, taking my little sister on vacation and Gay Disney!

11. Los Angeles - Most will find it completely shocking that L.A made the list, but with the prospect of becoming a full time resident of the city in the very near future, I figure I better learn to love it. Despite all the things that I dislike about this place it does have a lot to offer me and I am confident that I will find my little niche somewhere beyond the traffic and paparazzi.

All of My Days - Alexi Murdoch

Today I embarked upon a long journey from my current home in Sacramento, CA to my old home in Tucson, AZ to visit my parents and to leave my dog Sullivan in hands that are currently more capable of care and love than my own. The drive was long but it gave me 13 hours to listen (and at times, sing badly) to a large selection of my music collection. The over-abundance of time that I had to focus on my music gave me a chance to do some deep personal reflection. Listening to music has always been the best means for me to engage in this type of activity as I have the opportunity to connect and relate to the lyrics of others in order to process some of my own thoughts.

To date, the majority of my postings here have been pretty impersonal… although I had hoped to be a bit more personal in this project, I have found myself incapable of doing so; perhaps because I haven’t worked through the feelings and emotions I am experiencing right now or perhaps because I am just scared that you will all think I am crazy (assuming you do not already). My musical experience today inspired me and I helped me to realize that I can share a lot just by sharing some of the lyrics that touch me on a weekly basis (and it is less scary because I didn't write them). In addition to sharing a bit about myself I hope it will also expose some of you to music you might not otherwise hear (although I cannot promise that you won't see some fairly main stream and/or extremely corny stuff on here from time to time - I am a recovering Spice Girls fanatic after all).

So, with that said, my first set of lyrics is from a song that I have been listening to regularly for over year and a half. Although I have always liked the song I have never really connected with the lyrics on a personal level until today. I guess you just have to listen in the right place at the right time … and after 13 hours of music this is the one that hit home for me. Enjoy (you can listen to it on my MySpace page as well).


All of my Days – Alexi Murdoch

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right